Friday, January 7, 2011

I Got My Sister Pregnant

For the past month, I’ve constantly teased my sister about the fact that she could be pregnant. I’ve sent her congratulations at random. I’ve lifted her jacket and patted her belly in public. I virtually pretend she’s pregnant, despite her constant denials. My sister didn't plan on having children until her and her husband had been married for 2-3 years.

Her husband, however, began bribing her with larger jewelry were she to get pregnant within in the first year of marriage... had he gotten his way, sister would've been knocked up on the honeymoon.

My brother-in-law wanted to get her pregnant so bad, whenever we got in fights, I'd tell him I'd poke holes in their condoms if he forgave me. (Birth control makes my sister go crazy… so that is just not an option for her.)

Not only did my brother-in-law want her to get pregnant, but he wanted twins. Twins run in his family. So whenever I'd joke about Melissa being pregnant, Daniel would add by saying it was with twins.

Every year for Christmas, my uncle gets us all gag gifts and say they were from Santa. For the past couple of years, I’ve wanted in on the action so people get two gifts from Santa. This year my sister got three.

I forgot what she got from my uncle, but I got a bag that said “Bull Shit disposal on it.” Like the vomit bag on airplanes, but for bull shit… he said every lawyer needs one. But I'd gotten her two gifts... one from me-Santa and one from mystery-Santa. I didn’t want her to know that a particular one was from me because I was willing to bet she wouldn't be thrilled.

The Me-Santa got her a little piggy bank that was a fat cow with a purse that said shopping fund… The Mystery-Santa got her a book for mothers expecting multiples. I don't know why I bothered with two gifts... it was very obvious I got it for her. She did not share her new book with the rest of the family, my father did, but she just grabbed it from him and hid it. I had no idea why she was so particular angered. Could it be the fact I got her husband a bag full of condoms with ice-pick-sized holes in them? Or was it the book for expecting mothers? It could've been the fact that I got my mom in on the action. Despite all of our constant teasing... not one family member noticed the fact Melissa wasn't drinking alcohol.

The next morning I found out why Sister was so annoyed... because we were right. On Christmas morning, my sister and brother-in-law announced that family planning does not work and they were with child.

I was in shock. Not because my sister was pregnant, but because I'm pretty sure I got her pregnant. I told her she was pregnant. I told my mom she was pregnant. I patted her belly... telling her body she was pregnant. I put the fact she was pregnant out into nature.

The Secret - Ask. Believe. Receive. I didn’t know it was possible for me to get my sister pregnant, but I guess it is.
In a matter of 2 months, I will have a nephew named Lewy… and in 6 months I will have a possible another nephew or a niece. I'm pretty excited about being an aunt. I've already begun playing GaGa for these little peanuts in the womb... gotta lead them in the right direction, you know.

Now I'm just wondering what I should ask for next.... Hey Michelle... Do you and Adam want children yet?

2 comments:

  1. Oh shit!! Don't make us pregnant!!! We aren't ready yet! Give me two years?

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  2. Haha...you have a wonderful gift, Miss Madeline. I say start impregnating.

    ReplyDelete