Scratches on the Door Knob

Man, I Loved College.

In the past I have shared with you all that my friends and I could have very easily been the center of a reality TV show. I’m pretty sure two of them still could. In effort to show you all just how much truth there is to this statement, I will share with you the following story.

Once upon a time in the magical city of Stillwater, there lived four very mischievous girls. They liked to go out on the weekends, never took life too seriously, but always managed to make good grades and appear responsible.

On one particular evening, these girls threw a party at their house. It was hopping. What started out as a group project for one of the girls, quickly escalated into a 20+ person party which included the other three of her roomies.

Side note: If you asked the landlord who lived there, he would only know of three total. The fourth was kept a secret. The girls went to such great efforts to hide this fact, that whenever they knew of the landlord coming to the house to fix anything or show the house, the two who shared a room would push their double beds together, and since they had the same bed spread, it appeared to be a bed built for either a giant, or an 800-pound man. One time, the landlord was showing the house to some girls and they asked about the giant ass bed… the response? It was an “Ultimate King.” The sad thing is those girls believed it.

Back to the story.

As time went on, the girls got hungry. Three of them went to a pancake house in town, one was left behind so she went to her sorority house which was just around the corner to cause a ruckus. She woke up her friends still in house, was very loud and stayed up watching youtube videos until the wee hours. Then she decided to go home.

Still somewhat extremely intoxicated, she went to open her front door… she had the key but when she unlocked the door and pushed it open, it would not open. She stopped and thought to herself… this is just my mind playing tricks on me, I will close it and then try again…. Yea, nope pretty sure the door WAS in fact chained. So she did the next logical thing… began screaming through the crack in the door. When that didn’t work, she scaled the balcony of her house. You see, the balcony door was closer to her roommates’ window, so she thought that surely the banging would wake them up. She banged and yelled at her roommates for approximately 7-9 minutes. Nothing.

She failed in waking up her roommates, but succeeded in waking up her neighbors. The neighbors opened up their window and said,

“Maddie, what the hell are you doing?”
“Oh, did I wake you up?” (I mean it wasn’t like I was yelling at 3am or anything.) “Sorry, Linda and Katie locked me out and my phone is dead.”
“Come over here, you can sleep on our couch.”
“No, its okay, I just need a pair of needle nose pliers.”
“What?”
“I’ll explain when I get down.”

You see, Maddie had remembered the time they had a pre-party at their house and people were using the back door… but in the process, the door knob was broken off. It was so difficult to lock the door, that the girls didn’t worry about locking it back because there was no door knob so how could anyone possibly get in?

She scaled back down the balcony, extremely lucky she did not break her neck and went over to her very gracious neighbors.

“Do you have any needle nose pliers?”

They looked for a while and then found some. One of the kind neighbors escorted her back over to her house with a flashlight, because it was very obvious to them that she was still intoxicated and not very obvious what exactly she was attempting to do. As they held the flashlight ever so steadily, Maddie succeeded in breaking into her own home. She went to the front door, unchained it and then returned the pliers.

She marched up her stairs, turned the lights on in her roommates’ room, jumped on her them, and screamed at them for the next 3 minutes… she manage to get a few moans out of them, but neither of them awoke. There would be hell to pay in the morning, she thought.

She went downstairs to turn the lights off, and her other roommate Michelle stumbled home. A 5-minute rant began and Maddie told Michelle the whole story…. Michelle rather oblivious while she dominated a mini microwavable pizza.
The next morning, Maddie recanted the whole story to all of the roommates.

This is not where this story ends, however. Several weeks later, the dumbasses (Katie and Linda) who like to pass out decided to chain themselves in, yet again. This time Maddie was out of town and it was Michelle who was locked out. She woke up the neighbors in her attempt to break into the home and remembered Maddie’s little story. She got a pair of needle nose pliers and went to the back door to do a little Maddie/James Bond action to break into the house. She was not so successful.
The next morning Michelle called Maddie and told her about how she had tried to get into the back door with pliers for a good 20-30 minutes before giving up. Maddie laughed hysterical.

“What?” Michelle asked.
“Well, the only reason that worked for me was because there was no door knob at the time. I have since put the door knob back on.”
“Oh.”

To this day, Maddie wonders what exactly Michelle was using those needle nose pliers on…. For 20-30 minutes…